Yoga for Real People.

 

Yoga is magic and it gives us the Universe, but not in the way that I had orginally thought.

I used to think that one day, if I practiced diligently enough, I would eventually be free of all my neurosis’s and all the other uncomfortable and difficult things in my life.  I practiced and practiced and studied with incredible teachers all over the world.  My life drastically improved;  I felt better about myself, I experienced more ease and joy, and I actually felt excited to get out of bed in the morning.  However, a few things didn’t change.  Some days I still felt sad. Other days I felt completely confused. I still injured myself sometimes, and other times I ate too much sugar or drank too much coffee.  I could go on, but I’ll spare you.  Anyway, the point is, is that I never became perfect.  I truly believed that yoga would somehow transform me into this perfect version of myself, and the “old me” wouldn’t exist anymore.  I even secretly felt bad about it.  I thought that maybe I wasn’t doing it right.  I felt confused because even though there were so many things that improved about my life, I was still a little bit funky in a  lot of ways.

Over time, I began to realize that yoga wasn’t what I thought it was.

Yoga wasn’t going to give me anything that I didn’t already have.

A close friend of mine who is also a mother, sent me this torn-out page from the Velveteen Rabbit (see the picture above).  She sent it to me because she knew that I would understand it, and because it describes what I now know to be true yoga.

Being a mother of twins has rocked me.  I haven’t slept  for more than 4 hours in a row in over a year.  My asana practice is completely different than it once was, because now I squeeze it in between putting the babies to sleep and the other numerous tasks of motherhood.  I never had tight shoulders before, and now, from holding two 20 pound  babies all the time, my shoulders are fricken’ tight.  My abdominal muscles are is still recovering from carrying two heavy babies and having a c-section.  In the midst of all of this, I am still doing good yoga.

Yoga is the process of becoming real.  It is the process of loving ourselves in a radical way;  not in spite of our imperfections and challenges but because of them.  

There are times in our lives that are full of expansion and sparkles and shiny things, and we feel like we are flying in a cosmic soup of deliciousness.  And then, there are times when we must dive to the depths of the ocean and meet all those weird creatures who live in the world of no sunlight.  These times in the dark ocean are uncomfortable, a little scary, and wildly foreign.  It usually feels like we’ve lost ourselves completely, and  if we’re not courageous in a certain way, we spend the whole time wanting to get out.

Its so easy to love ourselves during the sparkly times.   The harder part of yoga is to also love ourselves (and others) during the deep sea diving times.  This part requires a radical kind of courage and strength; it is a willingness to stay open, awake and in love, even when it gets really uncomfortable.   We must be willing to stay awake during the transformation.  We must be willing to receive ourselves fully even as we fall apart.

This is the path of unconditional love, where we love, regardless of the conditions.  

We can’t have the sparkles unless we’re willing to dive for them.  Otherwise, they are like those fake plastic gemstones that quickly lose their luster when you rub them a little.  Some people like the fake, plastic gemstones, and when they lose the luster, they just buy another one.

My yoga is the yoga of the Real.  I know that its not the easy path, but I like to dive deep in the ocean sometimes.  I know that its worth it, and the jewels that come from the depths are much more beautiful and interesting.

Like the Velveteen Rabbit, I’m a little shabby these days.  Parts of me are getting loved off from this whole experience of mothering twins.  But, I wouldn’t change it for anything.  I wouldn’t choose something else.

Here I am, and I’m gathering jewels.  I’m chillin’ with the funky creatures who glow in the dark and sparkle in the sunlight.  I’m devoting myself to this incredible experience of  watching my children become Real.

I’m awake right now and I’m not waiting for something else to happen.  I’m Real and I’m in love with this part of my life too.

 

becoming more…

Once upon a time there was a beautiful Goddess named Parvati. She would get very lonely when her husband, Shiva, would go away on his long meditation retreats.   Shiva was away on a trip chanting mantras, and Parvati got really lonely, so she used all of her powers and energy to create a son, who she named, Ganesha.  Because Shiva was away, he didn’t know that this had happened, and when he returned from home to find a good-looking young man guarding the gates to his palace; he was not thrilled, to say the least.

He told this boy to get out of his way so that he could see his wife, and the boy said “no way, that’s my mom in there”.  After a few moments of arguing, Shiva lost his temper, and cut off the boy’s head.  Parvati sees what has happened to her beloved son, and transforms into the Goddess Durga; the tiger riding, sword wielding, mother of the universe who is more suited for situations such as this.   She explains to Shiva that he just decapitated their own son, and that he better go out and find him a new head.

The first creature that Shiva runs into is an elephant, so he brings back the head, and Ganesha becomes the boy with the head of an elephant.  So, now he has all of the special qualities of that magnificent creature along with who he was before the accident.  He becomes an even better version of himself, he becomes more.

Does this story sound familiar?

We’ve all had some kind of profound or traumatic event in our lives that  forced us to let go of who we once were, so that we may become who we are now.  It’s akin to getting our heads cut off and replaced with something completely different.  This has happened to me many times, and the most recent beheading and re-heading has been this process of becoming a mother.  There are remnants of who I once was, the core is the same, but the transformation has been so profound that I barely recognize myself.  It happened the moment that my children took their first breaths;  I knew that these two beings will forever change the way that I see myself and my world.  I am still in the process of becoming this new creature, and every day I settle into it a little bit more.

There are two ways that we can look at these kinds of experiences. The first way is to long for who we were before, and to hold onto a feeling of regret for losing what we once had.  The other way is to recognize the magic in the transformation, and realize that we are now holding a new kind of power that comes from having a different kind of head to wear.

When I look back to all the times I’ve been beheaded, I see how the moment of the beheading was usually painful and traumatic.  However, afterwords, once I got used to the new perspective that comes with a new head; I experienced my life in a whole new way.   Its one of things that makes life so interesting; as we continue forward we never know when we’re gonna lose our head and what Shiva will find for us as a replacement.

Ganesha reminds us that it’s always better to be more of ourselves than less, and becoming more sometimes includes letting go of pieces of ourselves that are less.  However, we never really know which parts are less, until they are gone, and we gaze back on the past with the wisdom of an elephant.

“The Heavy”

One of my favorite translations of the word Guru is, “The Heavy”.  A Guru is someone who holds space for us to gain weight.  When we are in the presence of a Guru, and the conditions are right, teachings or concepts “land” in our bodies.  Thus, we become heavier with wisdom.  A Guru can be a person, an experience, or anything that facilitates an awakening to our inner goodness.

When I was pregnant and seeing a midwife, she offered some wise words when we found out I was carrying twins, and she wanted me to eat more.   She said,”Marni, I want you to make eating your new project.  When you are pregnant, you must hold space for a being of spirit to transform into matter.  It is your job to become heavy, like the earth, to carry your babies.  You are the ground, and the ground is steady, strong and heavy.”  Even though she never said it, she was talking about the Guru.

We are our children’s first teachers.  We are the ground on which they walk.  We are the earth and the sky and the reflection of their inner worlds.  We are the Heavy Ones who usher them into this world,  and guide them from the ethers into matter.  And then, when they are here, we create the boundaries within which they grow.

One of my first yoga teachers taught me that the word Guru is spelled G…U…R…U or Gee…yoU….aRe….yoU!  The Guru is the one who reflects ourselves back to ourselves.  They show us who we are, and allow us to become more of who we are.  As a mother to my children, I feel  privileged to watch them unfold into who they are, and to hold the mirror of unconditional love for them to become more of that.  It is so easy to  see their goodness, babies are perfect reflections of that.  We become the witness to that goodness, and it reminds us of our own.  As one of my dear friends once said; “we are then participating in a positive feedback loop”.

My highest wish as a mother is to be the “Heavy One” for my children so that we can dance in this  positive feedback loop together.  This loop will grow and expand beyond the boundaries of our home into the world, and we become mirrors for each others goodness, which creates more of that everywhere.

Upcoming Workshops…

Vinyasa Storytime with Marni

4 Sundays 4:30-6 pm

January 27-February 17

Classes held at Beloved Yoga in Reston, VA

In each class of this 4 week series we will focus on a group of postures, and break them down using bio-mechanical principles of alignment. You will deepen your experience of the poses and learn how to safely play your own edge. Marni will share stories from the vast world of yoga mythology which will shed light on the many facets of the Self. Be ready to sweat, laugh, and love your yoga practice in a whole new way! All levels are welcome.

Week 1: Hips/Ganesha-The Trickster
Week 2: Backbends/Hanuman-The Servant of Love
Week 3: Twists and Arm Balances/Kali-The Mother who Embraces All
Week 4: Handstands-Shiva-The Light in the Center

Contact: http://www.belovedyoga.com

she’s got your back

There is a Goddess in the yoga tradition named Kali. She is the fierce, totally bad-ass, mother of the universe.  She has fangs, claws, and she hangs out in graveyards.  She cuts off people’s heads, wears a skirt of severed arms and a necklace of skulls.  You usually see pictures of her with her tongue sticking out and sometimes there’s blood dripping down her face.  She sounds more like a demon than a Goddess, doesn’t she?

But, here’s the deal…She is supposed to be scary.  One of my teachers, Douglas Brooks, once said that Kali is like watching an Alfred Hitchcock movie.  We get to have the experience of feeling afraid, yet we are safe and cosy sitting in our living room.  Kali is fierce and scary, because she represents the rawness of this moment.  She is the full-on experience of NOW.  When become present to each moment of our lives, we see directly into the radical magic of Kali.

I love the image of her face with her tongue sticking out.  She’s right out in the open, gazing directly at us. She looks straight into our eyes and invites us to let go of any kind of shyness or holding back.   She tells us to go all the way, to step into the fullness of ourselves and our lives.  She tells us to do this NOW; not in an hour when we’re done with the dishes, not on Friday when we get off of work for the weekend, not later when the babies are napping.  She wants us to open into all of it.  No matter what you are doing, who you are with, or how tired or sad you feel, Kali says to “Wake Up”.

Of course when we talk about Goddesses in yoga, we’re talking about a story.  Kali represents something that we can all relate to in some way.  She points us to a universal truth and helps us to deepen our awareness of who we are.

When we become mothers ourselves, we enter into a relationship where the stakes are pretty high.  We are exhausted and overwhelmed and we’ve experienced the most radical transformation of our lives.  The life that we had before is no longer there; our bodies are not even ours anymore.  We are now madly in love, beyond all reasoning, with these small little beings who are completely and utterly dependent on us.

We have never experienced a relationship like this one until we give birth, and from then on, we can no longer do things the old way.  Motherhood requires a complete annihilation of ourselves and then, it blows us open wide.  It makes us stronger than we could have ever imagined and at the same time it makes us soft and sensitive to the smallest things.

My babies are now 7.5 months old and I have not slept for more than 4 hours in a row since I was about 6 months pregnant.  If you had asked me before the pregnancy if I thought I’d survive a year sleeping an average of 3-4 hours a night, I would have said, no.  Yet, somehow I’m doing it.  Yes, it might not be pretty, but I’m making it through.  Kali is here with us at these times, and she holds us tight.  She embraces us in these times of no showers, no sleep, mommy brain, and the crazy experience of loving someone more than ourselves.

Kali brings us to our edges and then she pushes us over.  When we get close to an edge, we usually kick and scream and grasp at anything that looks like something we can grab onto.  She pushes us over because we are ready.  We fall over the cliff only to realize that it is exactly where we were meant to go next.  We don’t usually realize this until after its happened.  And, each time we go, we bring with us the new-found powers and jewels that come from the experience of opening up to something more profound and alive than we had ever seen before.

The beautiful thing about Kali is that she is not afraid of anything.  She doesn’t cringe or hide from any part of life or death.  She receives the entire universe with a wide open heart and loving arms.  She represents each one of us in our fullness; the pleasure, the pain, the sadness, the fear, the jealousy, the quirkiness, the neurosis, and the joy.  Because of this, we can offer everything to her.  We sometimes think that the Goddesses like beautiful offerings like flowers, chocolates, and silks. Kali loves all of that stuff, but, she loves everything else too.  So, we can give her our anger, rage, sadness, fear, confusion, and anything else that we are experiencing.  She will receive it, and then we don’t have to hold it anymore.  When we offer these things to Kali, we know that we are not alone.  We are safe and cosy in the arms of a force so strong and powerful that it holds all of us together.  We know that we are never alone, and she’s got our backs.

waking up….

I’ve been a full-time yoga teacher for 12 years now, and like the rest of us, yoga saved my life. It gave me the tools to settle into myself; to engage with the world and myself in a more conscious way and it helped me to fall in love with my own body. I’ve had a daily, devoted practice for over 16 years which helped me to stay sane and happy. There were a few years where I seriously considered becoming a Buddhist nun because I really just wanted to do my practice and forget about the other “annoying stuff” about modern life. I’m glad that I didn’t go down that path because I’ve had too much fun as a lay person since then.
I love pushing edges in my life and practice. I don’t push edges for the shock and awe value, its more for my own personal growth. I went through a little practice cycle where I would hold postures for 5 minutes each. I was holding warrior 2 and my whole body was shaking and I loved it. Its the practice of staying in discomfort to learn to be okay with that.  Motherhood offers many many opportunities to practice doing this.  No matter how exhausted and sleep deprived we might be, our baby (or babies in my case) will still cry some more.  Just when we think we can’t handle anymore, more comes.
Over and over again our yoga invites us to sit in discomfort. It asks us to breathe into the rawness of whatever it is that we are experiencing. This is what makes it so powerful. We learn how open to now; to wake-up to reality. So many of us are sleep walking through life and when we find yoga, it makes us feel better because we actually begin to pay attention to the miraculous things that are happening all around us.  We are actually able to enjoy the moments as they happen.  Everyone always tells me to make sure I enjoy my babies now because they grow so fast.  Yes, this is true.  Its also true that everything else in our lives changes so fast, so lets enjoy all that other stuff too.

Welcome to my blog. This is where I will write about my thoughts, ideas, and observations about being a new mother of twins who is also a yoga teacher and a devoted lover of all the messy, miraculous, and mysterious things of life.